his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
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