wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Randomize
