I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
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