Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
