My boss' voice literally gives me gas
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
I need moral support for this bender
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
