I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
