Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
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