my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
