This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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