thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
she pinky promised me she was 18
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Randomize
