Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
