oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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