This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
