Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
This dress was meant to end up on your floor
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Randomize
