went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
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