i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
Randomize
