you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Holy sore nipples Batman
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Randomize
