you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Randomize
