I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
