Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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