We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
