girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
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