Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
