you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
All I want is dick and wine.
Randomize
