dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Randomize
