someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
