There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize
