Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Randomize
