I met the friendliest cop last night
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
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