Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
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