Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize
