My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
