I just pynch a tree in the face
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Randomize
