he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
