What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Randomize
