As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
