does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Randomize
