true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
