I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Randomize
