Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
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Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
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just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
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