The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Randomize
