Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
