life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire