we're chasing vodka with high fives
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
These People Are The Epitome of Lazy
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
Disturbing Scenes People Witnessed As Children
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.