when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.