I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
Randomize
