dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Randomize
