I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
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