"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
