You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
