Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
Randomize
