Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Randomize
