I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
well, you know. whores of a feather.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Randomize
