You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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