I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Randomize
