i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
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