I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
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