be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
I think my nap took me to another dimension
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
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